hello all!! and welcmoe to my knew endavour! i will help spelling the vaccume fans with their problems!!! everyone will flokc to me and say patalam what should i do?? and i will say something! and it will be a good answer and u will all love me!!!
Dear Miss Frog Princess Patalma,

There's this girl I know.. I kinda like her, but she's.. well, she's been "around', if you know what I mean. She's had, like, more boyfriends than I can count!!! The main problem is.. I'm not as experienced as her. Basically, I need more practice. MY last girlfriend was a real "cold fish", if you know what I mean, and I didn't get much experience from her.

What I'd like is to get some "tutoring", if you know what I mean, from a girl who doesn't mind teaching me all the things I'm not familiar with, yet.

You know, stuff like doggystyle, oral, anal, bondage, wax torture, pony boy/girl, bukkake, furry, disney, earlobing, teabagging, rape play, cannibalism, necrophilia, voyeurism, exibitionism, ted turnerism, and the really weird stuff most people don't talk about.

Do you think you and your sister can "help" me, if you know what I mean?

Totally someone other than Khan. Um, Ted. Ted Bundy. No, wait..... um, Ted Grundy. Yeah


Dear khan grudny,

i do not have a sister. what are u talking about are ut talking about salonga??? she is asian, we are not related by a lot. i will answer ur questions by myselif. one by one.

doggystyle: this is when u romp around like dogs do in meadows. ur grilfriend will love it it is very romatnic.

oral: this is a kind of test in lgnaguage classes, u dont want to do that with ur girlfriend unless u are school nerds!!! lol

anal: this is what u are if u clean too much, i guess it would be ok to shower and stuff befor dates so go anal all u want

bondage: of course u do bondage, how else would u gte closse??? u have to bond with her are u retarded or something, no wonder u were dtating a fish

wax torture: wtf candles??

pony boy/girl: if ur girlfined wants a ponytail tell her to go ahead but dont get a ponytail urself becuz boys with long hair look stupid imo, like girlz or somthing

bukkake: i dont know what this is i will go look it up, OMG GROSS why would they pee on her and what is wrong with theri pee???? do all boys pee like that omg gross. gross!!!

furry: girls should shave

disney: it is nice to wtach disney movies with people, it is a good form of bondage if u know wha ti mean. i recommend alaladin or mulan.

earlobing: one time a guy nibbled on my earlone and i told him 2 stop cuz it was in the middle of class but he was like no baby i want u so bad and i was like ok but dont let theteacher see but then the teachrte saw and he put is both in detention!! as if!!!

teabagging: tea is good for when u are cuddling in the winter, u can combine dinsey and teabagging for aplesant evening at home

rape play: i watched a play about rape once bcuz it was part of an awareness week at school but it was kind of depressin g so i dont recommnend u take ur girlfrined to one uneless she is relly into theater or something lol

cannibalism: omg do u think that boy was trying to eat my ear??

necrophilia: i dont know what that is either but after the bucake one i not going to look it up, so ur call

voyeurism: of course u should look at her, god u are really stupid

exhibitionism: i went to an exhibition once and it was boring, it was for tractors or something i vote no on exhibtions!! go to movies instaed

ted turnerism: u just made that up lol


Dear Patalam,

I am a young man, slightly over the age of twenty who has never been in a relationship with a girl. I was looking for advice as to where I could go to find girls looking for a relationship, and also, once I find said girls what should I do/say. I am very inexperienced when it comes to this sort of thing, so I would appreciate any advice you could give on the subject. Thank you very much.

Definately Not Q-Tip.


dear poerson who is not qtip, do i have the advice for u!!!! to explain though i have to give u an exmaple from my past so i will tell u an antidote. u see when i was back in scool all of the boys thougt i was very pritty. so they came up to me a lot and told me would i be willing to go to a dance with them or to a movie or for coffee. but i was not interestinged in boys yet so i always said no, i have better things to do with my time back then than hang out with boys, for example watching tv.

u might think "what does this have to do with my problem??????" but i will tell u! be patience.

finally in tenth grade there was a boy who convinced me to go out with me, he said "hello patalma u are looking very pritty today" and i said "thank u james but i am not interesting in going out with a date with u" and he said "if u dont go out with me tonight i will beat u up bitch so get in my car and (censored) my (censored)!!1" i was so scared that i went out with him right away!! and i actually had an okay time, his (censored) was actually very (censored).

so all u have to do is threaten a girl until she goes out with u!!! it will help if u hold a knife like james did, i was so scared!!


Okay. I have this friend. His name is... Jeff. Now Jeff thinks he may have a small penis. You being a girl and all would know what is considered small and what-not, but if you don't ask your sister. Could you tell me what would be considered small, average, and large?

P.S. Does size really matter?

Crapfully yours,
Dickless in Denver


dear dickless

i do not know who u think i am but i do not have a sister, but i hav salonga so i asked her what a penis is and she said "um u know it is those things that only boys have?" i always thought those were called beards but whatever i guess u learn something new everday!!

anyway i do not know what a good size for a penis is. my advice to jeff is to have him let his penis grow on his face for a while and if that doesnt help it be bigger than i guess he will have to dael with a smlal penis, oh well. maybe he could just shave his penis off, i never thougt boys with big penises haning off their faces were very cute anyway so maybe he would be better off without one????

i just showed this to salonga for proofread and she is cracking up, i am such a wit!!!


Patalma, my question is thusly:

If the six million dollar man found an injured puppy, and had it turned into a six million dollar puppy, what kind of super bionic puppy powers would said puppy have



dear hamelin

my advice to u is that the next time u send a question to an advise column u should actually ask for advise and not jusut ask a quiestoin that has mothing to do with anything ok???

also it would be able to fly

Dear Patalma,

I can't stand my roommate! He's loud, he's smelly, and is always late with everything! If I confront him, I know he'll be offended, and I don't want to have to search for another roommate this late in the game. However, I can't continue to tolerate these habits! What should I do?


Irate in Illinois


dear irate,

first u have to prioraitzie. u cant hope to solve all ur problems in one fall swoop! so first decide what is the most bad thing about ur roomate. is it the loudness? then u should buy some earplugs or a very thick headband and wear it so that it corvers ur ears and therefor the noise. or, u can bribe him to be quiet with a puppy!! everyone loves pupies

if the problem is the smell then u should buy a lot of flowers or prefume and sneka into near his bed at night and sprinkle flowers on him and spray him with prefume!! and put prefume on his shirt armpits!! and in his shoes!!! and in the toilets!!! and when he asks hay whats up with all the prefume u can just say i dont know it must have been the prefume fairy!!!! and he will go oh ok i will thank her next time i see her, i was getting a little smelly

if it is the lateness i dont know how to help u, maybe u should buy him rollerskates??